Most Critical Dating Advice for Women Online
Love is NOT enough. According to Statistics Canada 40% of married couples divorce after 10 years. Conducting pre-marital and couples counselling I have to admit to thinking that some individuals really might have been better off if they had not gotten married; if only women heeded the warning signals that often appear while dating or after engagement. If you are having those latent doubts, here are four questions and tips that may suggest a valid reason to break off a relationship or, to consider getting professional guidance before you make that lifetime commitment.
-
WHO does he love – is it the REAL YOU?
Can you be your TRUE self around him and feel at peace and accepted? Do you always have to… do more, be more, do differently, feel differently? It’s natural to put your best self forward when you start dating someone new, then when you “fall in love” and the euphoria is high all you want to do is please him, but. . . how hard should you have to work at that? You want to be with someone who will find the least pleasant aspects of yourself to be fairly tolerable to him. The first few weeks after I got married I would jump out of bed (me, who hates the light of day) and run to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth and climb back into the bed to keep that positive fresh impression. Now, I have no problem with my husband telling me to brush my teeth. You have to put on a professional face at work all day; do you want to come home and play another role or do you want to be yourself? Not only is it emotionally exhausting trying to work at being someone you are not but it is emotionally isolating. If he is in love with a imagined persona who is NOT YOU… the true You is being denied the love she deserves in this type of relationship. This type of marriages makes the saddest divorces because – everyone, including your children, will be shocked to realise that you were never really happy. They will feel deceived, betrayed, angry, hurt and may become “cynical of love”. Wait for a love that is true for you two, it’s not worth the pain to try to live off his love. #love
2. Do you feel safe and free in the relationship?
Many of us struggle sometimes with anger and wanting to be in control, however, when there is a high intensity of both in a partner then there might be a reason for concern. Do you frequently find that when you make an independent decision that your mind is “changed” to do what he wants instead? When making a decision do you often consider, “how angry is this going to make him”? Control is a great cover up for deep seated insecurity and low-self-esteem, fears of abandonment/rejection. Someone who needs to be in control takes over the dominant position in your relationship (this can be aggressively through anger or passively by being the victim). This will not be an equal partnership. Lack of equality = lack of intimacy= lack of marital satisfaction. You may think your love can heal his insecurities but this is not your responsibility nor within your human capacity. If you are thinking this way, you may have already taken on the faithful “saviour role” and he, the all-powerful “needy victim”. Be wary if your own insecurities draw strength from playing the saviour role . . . you might get locked in a cycle of co-dependency that is hard to break.
When control goes aggressive with insults, acts of humiliation, threats, and physical violence the effects are emotionally and physically deadly. Years of exposure to explosive anger and manipulation will erode at your self-worth, your capacity to make independent decisions, the emotional connections you have with supportive friends and family, and may put your physical health/life in danger. Furthermore, it will put your children at risk for various emotional issues because of observing and internalising this relationship dynamic in their home.
3. Is he trustworthy to be faithful?
Statistics claim that 30-40% of dating relationships involve some measure of cheating. Maybe you can forgive and resolve a single act of indiscretion but if your partner is repeatedly being unfaithful to you it is a warning signal you should not ignore. If he is still caught up in the singles scene and being with his friends he may just not be ready to commit, at least, not to you right now. Cheating is a violation of the mutually agreed upon rules and boundaries of a relationship (Wikipedia); it can be physical or emotional. A pattern of seeking alternate partners is a demonstration of his lack of commitment to you and your relationship and is a sign of his selfishness. He is unable/unwilling to think about your feelings above his own. The habit of self-pleasing will spread across various aspects of a marriage. For example, when he wants to spend money and buy his ‘big boy toys’, he will (irrespective of your diligent budgeting for that family vacation). His lack of personal self-control is also an indicator of his immaturity. Marriage demands maturity. Do not settle for what is present and available, you deserve someone who is fully satisfied being with you and all you have to give. #cheater
READ MORE: How To Recognise A chronic cheater
4. Do you have compatible spiritual and family values and expectations?
Sadly too many people get married and not talk about what are the expectations/values of what their family life will be. Values underlie the decisions that form the daily routines of your lives together for a lifetime. Values tell where you are willing to extend effort, set priorities, and make sacrifices in a relationship. Your expectations determine your level of satisfaction/happiness. These are the measures that show us if you are on the right path of building the family you both want and how to get there, or get back there when you and your partner get distracted. If you and he are not going in the same direction, should you start out on the journey together? Consider some deal breaker questions:
How will you make decisions as a couple? How will you manage differences on major decisions (buying a house, having a child)?
Are you thrifty, easy spender or are you the practical budgeter? Do you want joint, independent, or combination of financial accounts?
What is your style of worship? What type of participation/commitment do you foresee you and your family having in a place of worship?
How will the domestic chores get done at the end of the day?
What is the work involved in being a parent?
How do you view commitment in marriage – do your best and see what happens, do whatever it takes to make it work happily, or stay together until death even if you’re unhappy?
You do not have to think identically as a couple, however you should explore how the differences in your values and expectations could complement (positively enhance) or detract from your relationship in the here and now and, in the long term. Premarital counselling is an excellent resource to help support you through this process.
Breaking an engagement may cause short term pain for you and your partner, marrying the wrong person will cause a lifetime of pain and regret for you, your partner, and the family you build together. Take the courage now to say “no” if that’s what’s best for you. #love #compatibility
Additional Relationship Resources To Consider:
WATCH: Matthew Hussey video – Are You Selling Yourself Short?
TAKE QUIZ: Discover what’s your money personality style with online quiz?
Do you see these patterns in your own or a friend’s relationship? Take action today to help yourself or your friend. If you are concerned about a friend’s relationship, please SHARE this post with her! I challenge you to decide for yourself, “What will you do for you: dump or keep?” #datingtips
Excellent article! Will be sharing it…