What to Say & Not to Say about Family Changes

Preparing to have the difficult conversation

Agree and Arrange to Talk to Children Together

Talking to the children together is the best practice, not just for the children but also to prevent conflict between yourselves as separating partners. Coming together as a family to discuss family changes will reassure children that you can and will remain a family. Having both parties present will also allow children to direct their questions to both parents and receive the needed reassurance from you both.

Plan together, script out what you will tell the children.

Being on the same page about the message you are both giving the children about the separation or divorce is vital to how well your child/ren will adjust to the news. Do not wing it. Use the talking points below and craft your own responses. It may help to rehearse it together or with a close friend to help ease your own anxiety. When you present as calm, your children who read & internalise your emotional states, will receive the news with more calm and confidence.

Anticipate some of the questions children will ask & secure time for them to ask questions.

Children of different age groups may have different questions to ask. Some children may need time after hearing the news to process their thoughts and feelings and may ask questions afterwards. There are a number of questions which can be a quick guide to anticipating. Again share ahead of time how you will both respond to these questions.

If a child asks a question that is not appropriate for them to hear give a kind validating response.

“Thank you for asking about that. I understand why you might be curious or worried about ____. But at this time we don’t think this is information that is helpful for you to know. Your ___ and I will take care of those grownup issues”  

What to say to children about divorce

Tell your child the divorce is not their fault.

There is nothing they did to cause it, there is nothing they c could have done to prevent it from happening and there is nothing they can do in the future to fix the problems between mom and dad.

Tell your child what will happen to the family pet(s) and the family home.

Provide concrete information about timelines for expected or upcoming changes, at least based on what you have decided so far.

Kids like to know when a parent might be moving out,  when will they have the time to spend with each of the parents, when they might move to a formal two home family. If moving out of the family home may be a possibility let them know abroad a broad time range, e.g. in the next year.

Acknowledge and validate that separation is a real loss.

It will be normal and acceptable for them to feel range of feelings. It is OK to feel sad, angry, confused, and/or worried about the unknown future. Reassure them that you will both be there to listen to their feelings.

Tell your child what will remain the same.

It is helpful in the light of the many changes to reassure your child that there are still some life conditions that will not change.

They may still be going to the same school and be in the same class.

There will be no change to to their extracurricular activities

They may still have their “special time” with a parent or parents.

They will still be loved by both parents.

Tell your child that if we/they need help, help will be sought.

Reassure children that if we, including all family members, experience big difficulties adjusting to the changes and overwhelming emotions that support will be sought to help the family. Family support may include a mediator, or a family therapist or child therapist.

Provide minimal but tactful information about reason for divorce, if asked.

Children do not need to know the intimate happenings of their parents’ romantic relationship, except that things have changed. Below are a few examples found in the literature and inspired by my own family therapy practice.

Possible Scripts Introducing Divorce to Children

– “Mom and dad work best together as parents when they do not live together”

–“Mom and Dad were having adult problems in our relationship as a couple and though we tried hard to solve these problems we have come to accept that our couple problems cannot be resolved. So we are ending our couple relationship but will always be your parents.”

“There are different types of love. Love between parent and child will last forever, but the love between husband & wife or between “in-love partners”, that love can get smaller and smaller overtime. When the “in-love” love is gone, parents may live apart to find happiness again. – You might be aware of how mom and Dad have been arguing a lot. This was happening because we were not happy with each other anymore. Divorce is a chance for the family to be happy again with less arguing and upset vibes in the house. Mom & Dad by ourselves can create our own happiness with you in different homes.”

What NOT to say to children about the divorce

TMI -Triggers Anxiety & Hurt

I understand there is a lot going on in your world. I get that it may not be as simple as “mom and dad are not getting along anymore”. You may be hurt by the lies and secrets which may contribute to the divorce and your righteous indignation to not hold back the truth from your kids. However, while it may feel good for you to let it all out, on the other hand, it does not feel good for your 7 year old, your 10 year old to receive and hold the burden of your pain. They will have their own pain and grief to carry through the divorcing process.

If the separation is caused by infidelity, your children do not need to know this. The affair changed your partners’ relationship with you, but it may have no impact on their relationship with their child. Stirring up resentment towards the other parent based on how they hurt you will also deeply hurt your child.

Your 7 year old does not have the emotional capacity to support you or make this situation better so unloading it on them will only induce high anxiety within them to try to “fix” something they cannot.

Don’t Give Your Child False Hope

If you and your partner are not open to reconciliation and doing the work of reconciliation, which may involve a long-term investment in couples counselling, then do not tell your children that this is a trial situation. If it is over, let them know firmly that the marriage or romantic relation is over, and it cannot be fixed. Explain to them that is not their fault and that they could not have done anything different to preventing this breakup and now that is happening, there is nothing for them to do to try to make it better.