In any relationship, the path to lasting love and understanding can be fraught with obstacles, often referred to as “relationship killer/s.” These insidious behaviours—criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt—can erode even the strongest bonds if left unchecked. Long-term research conducted by renowned relationship researchers, John & Julie Gottman, found these patterns of interaction were strong predictors of divorce. As we navigate the complexities of our connections with partners, friends, or family, it’s crucial to recognize these destructive patterns and address them before they lead to irreparable damage. In this blog post, we’ll delve into each of these relationship killers, exploring their manifestations & impact and offering strategies for healthier, more resilient interactions.
Criticism – Relationship Killer #1
Criticism is the most common harmful way of communicating in the majority of relationships. It is instinctive. We’ve all seen it: throughout our lives, people criticize others when they’re unhappy with something. We’ve witnessed this behavior from parents, teachers, bosses, friends, and romantic partners. We grew up to believe it was a normal and harmless thing to do. Most people are unconscious of how subtly they criticise their partner.
Criticism is labelling a negative trait in your partner as the root of the problem or complaint that you have. “YOU ARE so LAZY, you always leave the dishes around the house for me to clean up after you. You can’t move the cup from the table 3 feet to the sink? The problem with criticism is that it feels like a personal attack on the person. When attacked your partners stress response instinctively puts them in defense mode. In defense mode they stop listening to you.
When someone feels defensive, it can be hard for them to truly listen. Communication breaks down when one person is talking, and the other has essentially tuned them out. Despite what we have learned, putting someone down doesn’t make them more likely to cooperate. In fact, constant criticism can make you feel like the adversary, not a partner. As resentment builds, it can push love, affection, and respect further away.
Criticism is a love and relationship killer.
Instead of Criticism – Be Gentle – Gottman’s Gentle Start-Up
1.Start the complaint with a personal statement of how you see/think or feel about the situation.
Use the script “I feel_____”. After the word “feel” should come a feelings word, some variation of sad’ mad; happy; surprised; or scared”.
For example, ..
“I felt angry this morning….”
“I feel hurt when ….”
2. Name in descriptive, observable words the problem you are complaining about.
- e.g., 1: “I was furious when I came in and saw Johnny playing on the floor with a mountain of toys around, which looked unsafe to walk through, and I smelled his dirty diaper on him and then I saw you sitting across the room with your eyes down on your phone.”
- e.g. 2.: “I am so stressed out right now. I am on the phone talking to a customer for work and I am hearing our daughter crying and banging on my door. “I feel frustrated because I am expected to be the only one responding to everyone’s needs in this family.”
3. Ask for your wants or needs in specific terms
- “I was furious when I came in. I saw Johnny playing on the floor with a mountain of toys around. It looked unsafe to walk through. I smelled his dirty diaper on him. Then, I saw you sitting across the room with your eyes down on your phone. I want you to pay attention to the state of the home and pick up things as needed. I want you to check in on our baby – feed her when she is hungry and change her when she is dirty. I need you to be my partner.
- ” I am so stressed out right now. I am on the phone talking to a customer for work and I am hearing our daughter crying and banging on my door. It frustrates me that I am expected to be the only one responding to everyone’s needs in this family. I need you to notice what I am doing and if I have the capacity for another task. If you see that I am overwhelmed I want you to jump in and attend to the other demands. “
Defensiveness – Relationship Killer # 2
Defensiveness is most often the counter-reaction to criticism (relationship killer #1). When we are criticized, it can feel like a direct hit on our self-esteem, almost like an attack on who we are. It’s a natural human reaction to want to protect ourselves and defend against those perceived attacks. This often happens without us even realizing it – it’s an instinctive response.
The problem with defensiveness is in that defense mode we stop listening for understanding. If we are paying any attention to anything our partner says it is only to rebut and counter-attack. So, this cycle of criticism and defensiveness can easily turn a small disagreement into a full-blown, hostile war. And, over time, constantly experiencing these kinds of explosive fights can leave you feeling pretty hopeless about ever having positive communication again. Consequently, partners stop talking to each other.
Communication & connection dies. Defensiveness is a relationship killer.
Instead of Defensiveness – Take Some Responsibility (Gottman Method)
Defensiveness is about denying responsibility by shifting the blame or justifying yourself, etc.
Gottman Couples Therapy Method recommends that the antidote for defensiveness is to take some responsibility. (Wait! Take a breath. I did not say take all the blame. Absorbing all the blame does not help you build a healthy equitable partnership. No one wants you to do that. Okay? Can you hear me out?)
I am saying that we are all imperfect and maybe you could have in some small way contributed to the problem. It does not mean you acted intentionally. But you may have reacted or not reacted in a way that … well… did not help the situation. Gottman recommends you own your piece of the problem, only yours.
Owning your piece of the problem may sound like:
- Sorry, I was preoccupied. I did not check the baby’s diaper, and I should. I will change it right now. (Move to enact the repair immediately).
- You are right. You have so much on your plate. I will clean up all the dirty things before I go to bed so in the morning you have a clean kitchen to start the day.
Accepting Responsibility Enhances Conflict De-escalation
When you are able to see and own your part in the problem situation, that reduces the tension between you and your partner when fighting. Learn more about 7 other strategies to de-escalate conflict.
Read: 7 Keys to De-escalate Couples Conflict
Learn More About Defensiveness – Other Relationship Resources
(Coming Soon)
Stonewalling – Relationship Killer #3
Stonewalling can sometimes look like someone is intentionally shutting down, but it’s often more about what’s happening in their body. When we get stressed, our bodies release hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. Think of it like a “flood” of these stress chemicals. This overload can make it hard to think clearly. Someone might seem zoned out or unresponsive. They’re actually feeling overwhelmed. It’s not usually a conscious choice to disengage, but more of a reaction to feeling flooded..
Watch Julie Gottman explain more: https://youtu.be/v0pCpvMs6oM?si=5zCJW0-vDlbj8V2x
Instead of Stonewalling – Do Self-Soothing
According to the Gottman’s couples therapy model the primary immediate antidote for stonewalling is taking a break or time-out. A break isn’t about storming off in anger. That kind of walk-out can feel like abandonment and hurts the relationship.
Instead of storming off, ask for a break kindly.
“I am feeling myself get overwhelmed and I need to take a break so that I don’t react in ways that I or we will regret. Is that okay? We will continue this conversation later. “
I am noticing our voicing are getting louder and our tone harsher. I think we need to reset and come back and talk in a calmer frame of mind. “
Taking a break isn’t about dodging tough conversations. It’s actually a caring way to protect your relationship. When things get heated and emotions run high, it’s easy to say or do things we regret. Sometimes those words and actions can be really hard to take back. Stepping away before things escalate can be a really positive thing for your relationship in the long run.
Operational Rules About Time Outs
- When one partner asks for the time out the other is to be supportive. Persisting to complete the conversation NOW is not helpful. It adds more stress on an already stressed partner. We understand that if you do not understand the science of flooding you may perceive the time out as avoidance and abandonment too.
- The break should be a minimum of 20-30 minutes. It can be longer depending on the intensity of your emotions at the time.
- The break is to calm and center oneself. Do not use thisperiod to ruminate about the argument or plan your response or vent to a friend about it. For at least 20 minutes you need to actively do in a soothing coping activity. The most common and accessible strategy is deep breathing. Here is a link to the 478 Breathing Exercise (do as long as needed).
- The person who calls for the break is responsible for initiating the follow-up to the conversation. Follow up within 48 hours. If you break this rule, your partner may remind you of the conversation and suggest a time to continue it.
Watch J Gottman explain Flooding here: https://youtu.be/v0pCpvMs6oM?si=5zCJW0-vDlbj8V2x
Trouble with Self-Soothing
It is not uncommon for couples to struggle with this new practice. Partners struggle at various stages of the process. It can be hard to be aware of the need to ask for a break in the midst of an escalating fight. Others have partners who are unwilling to let go of the need to talk it out now. Then others find it hard to do the self-soothing activities and bring themselves back into calm.
If this is the case in your marriage or relationship it may be time to seek out a couples therapist
CONTEMPT – Relationship Killer #4
Contempt is the most destructive relationship killer. It’s when you feel disgusted by your partner and think you’re better than them. You can’t stand their presence, feelings, or thoughts. Communication becomes toxic, filled with negativity and disrespect.
Contempt can be tricky to describe in words because it often shows up in ways other than what we say. Think about it: it’s in the little things like a person’s tone of voice, a raised eyebrow, or how they hold themselves. These non-verbal cues can speak volumes!
Verbally it may sound very demeaning. It could sound like: “You ________, you are useless, you can’t do a simple thing like make toast without ___ burning it”.
Ouch! It disturbs me to even put those words on my page.
Instead of Contempt – Create an Atmosphere of Appreciation
An appreciative atmosphere directly contrasts with the relationship’s pervasive negativity. Appreciation means acknowledging your partner’s positive, kind, and helpful behaviors. Partners learn to express appreciation through rituals such as State of the Union meetings.
Hear another point of view on Contempt here: https://youtu.be/-7PIrQraQRA?si=XXVJykyirV8dexRt
Get Marriage Counselling to Override Contempt
If you need support to break down the mountain of negativity in your relationship and build up that culture of expressing appreciation you may need the assistance of a couples therapist.
Summary
We are fortunate to have the research to identify the specific negative relationship patterns that predict divorce. It is our hope that with reflective reading you might be able to identify which are the relationship killers in your relationship. The solutions offered: gentlestart-upp, accepting responsibility, self-soothing and expressed appreciations were an introductory guide to help you start to introduce positive change. Please like and share with those in your network.
