As a family therapist I have seen hundreds of hurt-driven interactions between mothers and daughters. I had heard countless stories describing these relationships through the lens of pain, disappointment, anger, and regret. As a daughter, I too have my own stories of hurt. As a therapist, though, I believe a relationship is never all dark. In honour of my mother, and the healing in our mother-daughter relationship, I share the lessons I learnt from my mother. May it inspire you to look through lens of optimism to find the small positive lessons you have learnt from your mother.
Who was my mother?
YP as she is affectionately called by friends has taught me about what it means to be a woman, mother, wife, and friend. Most of these lessons were not expressed by words but by internalising her observed behaviours over many years. Recently, I lost my father and it has reinforced the importance of letting loved ones know how much you appreciate them while they are alive to receive and be blessed by it. I would like to share with my mother, and you, the lessons I have learnt from my mother’s life.
As a Woman – There is no ceiling.
My mother started out her career soon after high school as a secretary in a multi-national organisation. She never went to college or did any advanced courses in her field. However, with an excellent work ethic, drive and charisma she rose to holding the title of one of the top sales persons across over 20 countries. I learnt that there are no limits, and nothing is impossible if you believe.
As a Wife – Loyalty & commitment is paramount.
At the age of 21, back in 1968, when she said to my dad “For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part” she meant it. She had no idea then how that would be tested. I wish I could say my parents had a fairytale marriage, they didn’t, but she stayed with him. In the 1990’s we discovered that my father had a terminal disease, Parkinsons.
Over the next 20 years we watched that disease erode the life of the man we all loved. In his last 10 years, with a courageous love, she cared for him when he couldn’t mobilise his own body to eat or move, couldn’t communicate, and even when he no longer recognised who she was. Love, … it should never fail. She taught me how to love courageously and persistently. It’s a grace rarely seen today but I hope to share with my own daughter.
As a Mother – “Love is sacrificial giving”
My mother always gave what she had. She would do anything for her daughters. She was a woman who preferred to work and get what she wanted independently. However, if her children needed something she didn’t possess, she would not hesitate asking others to support us. She used her connections to get me my first full-time job at age 17 at a local bank. She helped pay for most of my post-secondary education, she helped buy me my first car. My mother’s love language is performing acts of service and sharing gifts of love. My love language is quality time, which was not in my mom’s bandwidth. Yet, I lesson I learnt from my mother is “Love is expressed in many ways”. When we stop looking for what we want it to look like, then we see love as what it is. I know she loves me.
Do you know how you are/were loved?
Read: How to set Boundaries as a Mom
As Family Member – Blood is thicker than water
My family didn’t always have deep positive relationships. (Hence my inspiration to become a family therapist). My mother did not always get along with her sisters, nor did she always get along with her own mother or step-father. However whenever there was a crisis – an illness, a relationship breaking, a financial crisis, a wave of depression or panic, my mother was in the center offering love, strength, and support. “Family always has your back.”
Family time is not to be compromised
My mother built into the fabric of our family traditions that are now at the core of some of my fondest childhood memories. One rule in our household was that Sunday dinner was served at 2pm and everyone was expected to be in attendance, without excuse. Whatever we wanted to do as teenagers we did either before or after dinner on Sundays. She often arranged for us to getaway together as a family once a year. Birthdays were celebrated and seen as an opportunity to share with that person how much you appreciated them being a part of our family. We either had a large party with friends or an intimate cake and dinner with family. Just recently, there was the singing of the traditional “Happy Birthday” to her grand-daughter over a long-distance call. I have adopted many of these similar traditions in my own family.
As A Friend – Beware of Gossip.
This was one life lesson my mother talked to me about when I was a teenager. She said , “People always show you who they really are eventually. If someone would gossip with you, share someone else’s secret with you – that person is not your friend. If they gossip about others they will gossip about you”. This has been a creed that has guided my relationships with peers, colleagues, and associates.
My Message to the Imperfect, Self-Doubting Mothers
Motherhood is one of the hardest but most impactful work a human can do. But being human means you will do it imperfectly. You will make mistakes, and some of those mistakes may or may not cause damage. You may feel beaten down by guilt and the shame thoughts that you should have known and done better.
If there are regrets, don’t stay stuck in that muck of shame. Rise up and move towards making repair. I cannot promise the repair will magically work, but I know you will feel more empowered by taking action and have some peace that you did your part.
Imagine that like my mother, your child could also see you are good enough at motherhood. Maybe your daughter will one day share with her friends at her wedding, at the birth of her child, “the lessons I learnt from my mother”. You can be imperfect at motherhood and impart lifelong lessons & values to your child.
If you are stuck in mother’s guilt, read this next post here: Mothers Guilt (coming soon). SUBSCRIBE to have it in your inbox as soon as published.
This note was written from my heart. I hope it may inspire in your heart a fresh awareness of some of the lessons you have learnt from your mother or maybe lessons you would like to teach your daughter(s). Mothers’ impact is life-long.
Are your struggling in your mother-daughter relationship – Reach Out.
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#mother #mothersday
Author: Tania Bryan, Help for Families Canada, Originally written May 2015