A Father’s Reflection on His Own Reality and Role in Parenting

Guest Post

Father’s Day is around the corner, and it feels like the right moment to reflect on fatherhood.

As a husband and a dad to two young kids—a son who’s nearly 11 and a daughter who’s 6—I’ve been thinking about what this role really means.

Fatherhood isn’t just about being present; it’s about being intentional, connected, and engaged in the everyday moments that shape our children’s lives.

Being an “everyday-kinda-guy” seeking to provide for the family, meeting the non-financial needs of our kids as a father is not easy. I am growing to realize that what my kids need emotionally from me is not the same as is expected from Mom. They want me to play with them and do stuff with them when I feel like doing something else. Many times I get home from work feeling the need to emotionally get away to my own world to unwind. Life itself can feel so emotionally draining at times in just trying to deal with my own concerns of providing for their future. The danger is that my concern for the future makes me deny my kids of the attention they need from me now in the present.

Fathers Make An Impact On Our Kid’s Lives

Research shows that fathers spend more of their relational time with children in play. Their style of play is often more physical and exciting than that of mothers.

Fathers tend to engage in “horseplay” — like chasing kids around the house as a “scary bear” or lifting them high for an “airplane ride.” These playful moments let children feel a mix of amusement, arousal, and just a little fear — all in a safe, fun way.

This insight comes from Chapter 6 of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by Dr. John Gottman and Joan Declaire. I was pleasantly surprised by how closely it reflected my own experience with my kids.

My little girl often pretends to be scared, but her laughter always gives her away. She delights in the game—the fun, the silliness, and me becoming the scary bear, or whatever creature the moment calls for.

In our family, it’s clear: they don’t turn to Mom for chasing or rough play. That’s my role, and I’m grateful for it.

Dads, Kids Need To Feel Our Presence As Much As Seeing Us There

I read further along in chapter 6 of the above mentioned book in which one Levant was quoted as stating (and countering) the observed traditional stereotype that

“……a father is someone who works hard, who isn’t around much, who criticizes more than he compliments, who doesn’t show affection or any other emotion except anger – no longer applies”.

 The quote from Levant goes on to state that

“…men are supposed to be sensitive, caring, enlightened dads who are really there for and involved with their kids…the only problem is many men don’t know how to be that kind of father, for the simple reason that their own dads weren’t that kind of father to them.”

 I am sure many dads can relate to these statements to some degree and if nothing else, it should inspire food for thought as we reflect on our own parenting situation.

I believe there’s a quiet call for us dads—not just to be physically present, but emotionally available too.

Emotional involvement means more than just doing activities together. It means stepping into their world with empathy. We need to connect with how our kids feel in the moment, not just enjoy the time from our own perspective.

Sometimes we walk away thinking, That was fun, and assume we’ve done our job. But we may miss the deeper impact those moments have on their minds and hearts.

When we offer emotional presence, we ground ourselves. We begin to see family life with greater appreciation and depth.

I’m learning this in real time. There are evenings when I want to retreat and be alone after a long day. But when I choose instead to step into my kids’ world—to “smell the roses” with them—I feel lighter.

It shifts my perspective. It reminds me that life isn’t just about my stress or worries. The problems may not disappear, but being emotionally present helps me keep everything in balance.

Be Aware Of Your Kid’s Everyday Needs As A Father

We should always seek to stay tuned in to our children’s everyday needs as they grow even as we try to find a balance between work life and home life. The authors of “Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child” also encourages that as dads we should seek to do this regardless of the nature of the relationship we may have with the mother of our kids. I totally understand this point as all household relationship dynamics vary but our kids still need us in spite of our imperfections living in an imperfect world. We are their dad and contrary to what many may say or want us to believe, our kids need us physically and emotionally in their lives.

But hey, this is just a reflection from a dad—like many of us—who never got a practice run.

There was no trial round to sharpen my skills, no pre-clone to help me become the perfectly prepared, emotionally tuned-in super-dad.

Fatherhood doesn’t come with rehearsals. It’s a lifelong journey of learning, growing, and doing the best we can with what we know today.

As fathers, we can become so focused on providing for our families that we unintentionally lose sight of something just as important—spending meaningful time with our kids.

Sure, they may feel disappointed when we can’t buy them the latest or coolest things their friends have. But what matters more is how we show up in those moments.

When we stay emotionally connected—when we explain our choices with empathy and offer a “lesser” gift or shared experience instead of the “perfect” one—we send a powerful message.

We’re showing them that we care. We’re letting them know that their feelings matter and that their disappointment touches us too.

And after the moment passes, what they’ll likely remember isn’t what they didn’t get. They’ll remember how loved they felt. They’ll remember that they mattered—and that their dad truly cared.

Related Post for Fathers

Read: The Legacy of A Father’s Love

Do You Want More Coaching , Training & Support?

Help for Families Canada offers practical hands on training for fathers in our Parent Training Program.  Customised Support is available for step-fathers, single fathers, and married fathers in Southside Edmonton. Click on the link below to schedule a time to talk to a therapist.

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