Anger Management Solutions for Parents to Use when a Child Feels Frustrated
Frustration and anger management is one of the emotional struggles most young children experience. With most children develop the skills and tools they need to manage frustration as they continue to develop. However, for nontypical children, like those with ADHD, direct coaching is often necessary. This post provides parents and their child’s influential teachers with practical tips they can use at home to support their easily frustrated child.
Start by validating their feelings rather than rushing to fix the problem. Use co-regulation by breathing with them to lower their physical arousal. Once they are calm, reframe the struggle using the “Power of Yet” to encourage a growth mindset.
What are the best anger management strategies for kids? Effective strategies include:
“Mad Moves”: High-energy physical releases like high knees or wall pushes.
Body Awareness: Teaching kids to recognize “hot” or “tight” physical sensations before a meltdown.
Kind Self-Talk: Replacing “I can’t do this” with “This is hard, but I am learning.”
When should I seek professional anger management for my child? If outbursts are frequent, involve property damage, or if your child seems consistently unhappy, professional coaching can help. At Help for Families Canada, we provide specialized Anger Management Counseling in Edmonton and across Alberta to equip your family with long-term tools.
Use Empathy & Validate Feelings
WAIT! … Slow down. DO NOT RUSH TO PROBLEM SOLVING.
Use your sense of curiousity and explore why your child is feeling frustrated in this situation. Ask curious questions that invite them to tell their story. Listen, really listen. Listen to the feeling, listen to how they are struggling and why this is so hard for them in this moment. Listen for what they wish for or need in this situation (if they are able to volunteer this, depending on their developmental level). If they can’t volunteer what they need, you may ask the simple question, “how can I help you feel better in (name the struggle). ?
Promote a growth mindset- Power of “Yet”
After validation of feelings, gently reframe the situation as an opportunity for learning. S/he has not achieved success today in this present moment, but with more practice, they could learn the best way to do the task or skill. Repeated effort increases the likelihood of success.
“It’s hard for you right now, you have not figured out how to solve algebra YET”
Breathe WITH them. Co-regulation Anger Management Strategy
When your child is feeling and expressing their angry feelings, they are most likely too agitated to be sent off to “calm down by themselves.” If they knew how to separate from their emotions and “calm down” on their own, they would not be yelling, saying hurtful things, or destroying property.
This is where co-regulation comes in — and it’s the reason why breathing with your child is so much more powerful than sending them away.
So what exactly is co-regulation? Co-regulation is a mutual act — an exchange of calm between two people. When it comes to adults and children, it means helping a child learn to regulate their own emotions by showing empathy and modeling calmness. In other words, your nervous system becomes a guide for theirs.
This isn’t just a parenting philosophy — it’s backed by neuroscience. The brain has mirror neurons that actually make emotions contagious. Children can essentially “pick up” your calm state. When you slow your breathing and soften your body, your child’s nervous system begins to follow your lead — not because you told them to calm down, but because you showed them what calm feels like.
At its heart, co-regulation is connecting with a child who’s in distress and evaluating what that child needs in the moment to help them calm themselves. According to Lauren Marchette, a child and adolescent psychologist and lecturer in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, the first step for a parent is to pause and self-regulate their own emotions — such as by taking a deep breath.
Read more from Harvard Health on co-regulation:
This is exactly why, instead of sending your child to time out, we invite you to breathe together. You take the lead and model for them how to regulate. There are many, many styles of breathing — find one that is soothing for yourself and practise it together.
It’s also worth noting that co-regulation is a developmental process, not a quick fix. Before a child can self-regulate, they need to co-regulate. Co-regulation begins in infancy — and as caregivers, we play a huge role in helping children calm down. Every time you breathe with your child during a moment of anger, you are building a skill they will eventually be able to use on their own.
And here’s the added bonus for you, mom or dad: while you are breathing with your child, you are also calming and soothing your own activation to their angry behaviour. You are co-regulating together — and you both come out the other side a little more settled than before.
Direct their attention to how their body feels when angry
The challenge with anger is that it is one of the most energising forceful emotions. Anger demands attention and one’s body feels it and it compels your child to take action. Below is a list of how anger may show up in your child’s body. If you teach them with gentle guidance to notice the body sensations along with the naming of these sensations that “this feeling (body sensation) means that I am angry”. This mindful observation is the building block to help your child’s awareness of their own feelings and then the capacity to “use their words” and less reactivity in and through their body.
“Mad Moves” -Movement as Anger Management
As mentioned before, Anger is a HIGH ENERGY emotion. Adults are better able to contain their energy. Kids may need a positive strategy to release that energy.
“Our Play Therapy services often utilize these physical ‘Mad Moves’ to help children process big emotions. We have 6-10 movements, “Mad Moves”, we teach low frustration tolerance kids that they can draw on when they feel frustration and anger. Below I name and describe our top 3
Three Movements (no equipment) helps release anger energy – Play Therapy
- High Knees
- Side Lunges
- Hand Push Off
Stress Reduction- Alternate Movement Exercises- At Home (Equipment)
If you have space and materials in your home some other at home activities may include:
- chasing after their pet in the backyard
- go for a bike ride
- jump on a trampoline
- Run and catch the ball – football style.
- skipping rope jumping
Frustration & Anger Management Counselling for Children & Youth.
Take A Break Away from the Task Causing Frustration
Powering through your emotions may not work all the time. Sometimes it helps to recognise and validate the overwhelm or frustration and acknowledge that we need some distance from the task. There is a difference between “Quitting” and Pausing”.
This is especially critical during tech transitions, where losing a video game or ending screen time can trigger intense digital frustration. Applying a “strategic pause” before the transition helps children reset their nervous system and move away from the screen without a meltdown.
A short term distraction may be sufficient, or maybe a longer term break may be needed to decompress and restore the motivation to try again. It depends on the intensity of their feelings of frustration and the time frame available to complete the task.
As the parent be mindful not to pull a child back to work prematurely. It may only cause a repeat of the frustration-avoidance cycle.
Kind Self-Talk instead of Self-Blame
Words are powerful and the most powerful words are the words we speak to ourselves about ourselves.
Help you child to speak to themselves with kindness. “What would you say to your good friend if they were feeling the same frustration you are right now?
Some kind phrases to help inspire your child with self-kindness may include:
Validate “It is okay to ask for & receive help”
As a part of our humanity we are not designed to figure ALL things out by ourselves ALL the time. There is nothing wrong with self-reliance and independence BUT, we all need a little support sometimes (with at least some things). It is important from an early age to teach children that it is okay to ask for help and that it is okay to receive help being offered.
Frustration & Anger Management Counselling for Children & Youth.
“Teaching frustration and anger management is a journey, not a one-time fix. If your family needs personalized support, Help for Families Canada offers specialized Child Anger Management Counseling
in Edmonton and across Alberta online. [Book your free phone consultation today] to start building a calmer home.”
Resource Books for Parents & Child Therapists
What to Do when Mistakes Make You Quake – link to purchase at Play Therapy Supply
What to Do When Mistakes Make You Quake – link to purchase at Amazon Canada